Ganja Guru Joke 'O The Day

[GanjaGuru]

Q--What's the difference bewteen your job and your wife?
A--After 20 years your job will still suck.

[Jr. Greenthumb]

Well I was hoping to see one up for today. I never seen one come up so I guess I'll jump in with one......


Q. What do mopeds and fat girls have in commen?

A. They're both fun to ride till your friends find out.

[Cranky]

Two stoners were walkin down the road and they see a dog licking it's own balls.

and one stoner says to the other - "Man I wish I could do that.

The other stoner says - "You better get to know him first.

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One day this cop pulls over a stoner for speeding. The cop gets out of his car and asks the stoner for his license.

"You cops should get it together. One day you take away my license and the next day you ask me to show it.''

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How many potheads does it take to change a light bulb? - Two: One to hold the bulb against the socket, and the other to smoke up until the room starts spinning.

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How do you hide pot from a hippie? - Put it in his work boots.

:D :D :D :D

cranky:peace:

[Mr Burns]

A guy has won the lottery and comes running into the house shouting "pack your bags honey ive won the lottery" She replies "what shall I pack for? the city or the beach?" "I don't care" he says "just fuck off"

[Mr Burns]

Whats Micheal Jackson and father christmas got in common?

They both come out of childrens bedrooms with empty sacks..... :eek: BOOM BOOM

[vernonsupreme]

did ya hear about the blonde who broke her arm raking leaves?

she fell out of the tree....


__________________________________________________ _____



two jews walk into a bar; they buy it.

[Cranky]

An Englishman went into a hardware store and asked to buy a sink.
"Would you like one with a plug?" asked the assistant.

"Don't tell me they've gone electric,"said the Englishman.

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Dai Jones from Llandudno visited London for the first time. He wanted to buy a hat and the one he chose would cost him twenty pounds. He said to the shop assistant,

“Back home in Llandudno I could get a hat like this for five pounds.”

The assistant answered, “Well, we have large shop windows here and when the hats fade we send them to places like Llandudno. And by the way my wife comes from Llandudno. You may have known her. She was Ellen Jones, who lived at the mill.”

“Yes, I know her,” said Dai. “She was very pretty. I took her out many a time. But you know, when things get a bit faded in Llandudno we send them to London!”
cranky

[Cranky]

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

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A guy walks into a bar and the bartender says to the man, "Hey guy, you've got a steering wheel down your pants."

The guy replies "Yeah I know. Its driving me nuts!"

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This bear was sitting on a log in the woods, taking a shit. Along
came a rabbit. The rabbit asked, "Do you mind if I join you?"
The bear replied "Suit yourself." So there they both sat, taking
a shit. After they were finished, the bear asked the rabbit, "Do
you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The
rabbit said, "No". The bear says, "Good!" Then he grabs the
rabbit and with a long sweeping motion wipes his ass..........

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Why do women sky divers wear tampons?

So they won't whistle on the way down.

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Why were women given two sets of lips?


So they could piss and moan at the same time.

:D :D :D 2thumbs :D :D :D


cranky

[Mr Burns]

For this joke, I want everyone to understand i am in no way racist. If I were then Africa wouldn't be my most travelled country so far. 2thumbs :peace:

A plane takes off from Miami to South Africa and half way across the Atlantic Ocean realises he hadn't enough fuel to complete the flight. He decides to announce his plans over the tannoy.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we don't have enough fuel to make our destination and nor to return. To save fuel we are going to jettison the luggage"

Out goes all the luggage and the captain announces over the tannoy once more-

"Ladies and gentlemen, we still need to loose weight so were going to unbolt the seats and throw them out of the emergency hatch. Please do not be alarmed"

Out go the seats and everyones sat on the floor of the plane. Another message comes over the tannoy from the captain-

"Ladies and gentlemen, we almost made the plane light enough in order to make Cape Town International airport, however, it's with great sadness to tell you, we need to loose some passengers in order to complete the flight"

He goes on- "For the purpose of this exercise, I am going to start with the first letter of the alphabet until we have removed 10 bodies from the craft".

Everyone looks calm and the captain starts........

"Are there any Africans on board?" Just then a young black child goes to put his hand up but his father stops him.

"Ok, no As then. B. Are there any Blacks onboard"? Again little johnny goes to put his hand up but his father stops him.

"Ok, no Bs then. C. Are there any coons onboard"? Again johnny goes to put his hand up but his father stops him. This time little Johnny says "dad, were Africans but you wouldn't let me raise my hands, were black and you wouldn't let me raise my hand and were even coons yet you still didn't let me raise my hand, why"?
His father replies, "Son, for the purpose of this excercise, were WOGS"

:rofl2:

[morestoneder]

When is it bedtime at Michael Jackons house?


When the big hand touches the little hand.:rofl2:

[CB]

what has a mouth but never eats, runs but never walks, and has a bed but never sleeps :D

riddle me that

[Mr Burns]

A river?
Don't you hate a smart ass?

How about an oldie?

Two Irishmen Mick n Murphy are in an Angus Steak house when a women starts choking at another table. Mick goes over and lifts the women up and over the edge of the table. With the woman still choking and in shock he whips up her skirt and whips down her panties. Still in shock the woman is choking whilst the Irishman pokes his tongue out and licks from as far south to the top of her crack! The woman is so shocked she coughs out what was blocking her air passage and it shoots across the room. His Irish friend says "Mick, fookin good show but wit wer you doin wiv er ass hole buddy?"

"Ahhhh" says Murphy, "You never heard of the hind lick maneuver..............

[SKB123]

When is it bedtime at Michael Jackons house?


When the big hand touches the little hand.:rofl2:


A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home.
One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled. The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!" The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"

[Mr Burns]

Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted?
Kinky is when you tickle your girlfriends ass with a feather.
Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...

[SKB123]

A light weight will say, "Take me home I'm stoned." An everyday toker will say, "Take me home I'm ripped. A stoner would say, "Take me stoned, I'm home." And the other person would reply, "Me stoned I'm too."

[Dibbz]

OK my contribution!!

2 Guys and one Vicar...

Guy 1 says to vicar: do u have any 2 ft tall nuns in your parish??

Vicar replies "no sir"

Guy 1 do u have any 2ft nuns in this area that you know of???

Vicar replies "no sir"

Guy one says to Guy 2 "fucking told ya , ya fucked a penguin!!!!!!!!!!!:gt:

[milagro]

Recently, I smoked some really killer bud from one of my outdoor plants this summer and this is how my day went after the wake and bake. This ain't no joke.

I decide to wash my car. As I start toward to the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first, but then I think that since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my checkbook off the table and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I'd better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water, and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight, when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day; the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, there a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I
can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.:flipa: :smokin:

[Cranky]

its verry common ya know...

its called head up your ass syndrome

i wake up with it most mornings.....i went to see the doc and he told me theres nothing you can do about it apart from to take one task at a time and whilst under going that task carry a little note pad on a pieace of string thats kept round ya neck at all times and note down all the other tasks that ya keep comming across.....i normally get through 3 tasks then throw the note pad at the wife....:D

who needs to be good at multi tasking when ya got a women i say;)

cranky

[SKB123]

1 you wear sun glasses at night so you can see better
2 you have acctually put out a fire with bong water
3 the term "hydro" does not mean water
4 you have an usual parking space outside your local head shop
5 you have a name for your 3 bongs 2 pipes one of which was made by you
6 you know your measurements from grams to ounces by heart
7 your best friends are your dealer and your roller
8 you sell your car for gas money
9 after reading this list you have done most if not all
10 if you respect 4:20 to a religious value
11 if you sue your employer for not getting holiday pay on april 20th

[morestoneder]

A guy walks into a bar and asks the barthender for 6 shots of whiskey.

The bartender pours them and the guy slams them all back real quick.

"Whats the special occasion" the bartender asks?
"My first blowjob" the guy replies!.

"Well in that case the 7th shot is on the house".

"no need if the first 6 dont get rid of the taste nothing will"



:rofl2:

[Cel]

When is it bedtime at Michael Jackons house?


When the big hand touches the little hand.

AHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA *dies*

[milagro]

Mommy dearest?

http://www.homegrownbud.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=1531&stc=1&d=1138175036

You decide. :D



milagro

[milagro]

The old lady wanted to buy some new shoes and I wanted a new motorcycle:

http://www.homegrownbud.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=1792&stc=1&d=1139265076




milagro

[reubeni]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to
Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed
away. The undertaker told the husband, you can have
her shipped home for £5,000, or you can bury her here,
in the Holy Land, for £150."

The man thought about it and said he would just have
her shipped home. The undertaker asked, "Why would you
spend £5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be
wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only
£150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried
here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I
just can't take that chance." Let's ship her home please!!!!!

[reubeni]

There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named
because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked
everyone
not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
"If
anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day
a
young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he
made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the
next
day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many
years.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love
to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the
next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird
wouldn't
die!

What is the moral of this story?????.. ......... ......... ........

You cant kill two birds with one stone.

[RedEyezzzzz]

What is the moral of this story?????


Ummmm, don't trust Indians cause they'll f*** you over?

[gorilla]

You can still fuck even if you've only got one testicle?

[reubeni]

Talking about morals:D

Got this from a friend ant thought it was excellent. share it with others.

PENDING MARRIAGE

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra less.
One day, "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations, she was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and
desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top, she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, "we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:





Always keep your condoms in your car........

[morestoneder]

What do you call a THOUSAND Indians runnin' down a hill?


A MUDSLIDE!!!!

[drumin]

What do you call a THOUSAND Indians runnin' down a hill?


A MUDSLIDE!!!!

:erm: :shrug:

[periodically insane]

Venison Supper

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home.
He decides to clean and serve the venison supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, won't eat it if they know what it is – so does not tell them


His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner?"

"You'll see", says his dad.
They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.

"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: Its what your mother sometimes calls me."

The girl suddenly screams at her little brother,
"Spit it out! It's asshole!"

[RedEyezzzzz]

Q) What's the difference between a woman and a fridge?

highlight the following for the answer
A)Fridge's don't fart when you pull your meat out.

[Fred Lemonjello]

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush were set to face a
firing squad in a small Central American country. Bill Clinton
was the first one placed against the wall and just before the
order to shoot him was given, he yelled out, "Earthquake!"

The firing squad fell into a panic and Bill jumped over the wall
and escaped in the confusion.

Al Gore was the second one placed against the wall. The squad was
reassembled and Al pondered what his old boss had done. Before the
order to shoot was given, Al yelled out, "Tornado!" Again the squad fell
apart and Al slipped over the wall.

The last person, George W. Bush, was placed against the wall. He was
thinking "I see the pattern here, just scream out a disaster and hop
over the wall."

As the firing squad was reassembled and the rifles raised in his
direction, he grinned and yelled, "Fire!" :dunce:

[RedEyezzzzz]

http://www.break.com/index/hot_chick_getting_into_shower.html

Make sure your audio is on as his comments are friggin hilarious.

[Fred Lemonjello]

Yea...... OK..... you got me on that one Red!!!
WANKER! Ha ha

Fred

[reubeni]

http://www.break.com/index/hot_chick_getting_into_shower.html

Make sure your audio is on as his comments are friggin hilarious.

Hmm dont know about all that its way to far above my head:hmmmm:

[periodically insane]

A few Beers

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[Cranky]

http://www.break.com/index/hot_chick_getting_into_shower.html

Make sure your audio is on as his comments are friggin hilarious.

haha....ya but you didnt know that was gonna happen did yas......so we all know what your upto whilst surfing the net:p lol
nice one

cranky

[morestoneder]

So theres 2 muffins in a baking pan and one looks over to the other, and says "Holy shit its getting hot in here and the other one says "Holy shit a talkin muffin"....:cool:

[reubeni]

I am not a racist! But this was still pretty funny!

There was a black man, a white man, a Native American man, and a Latino man.
All four of them were on top of a cliff discussing the difficulties that their people had gone through.
The native American said, "my people have suffered the most, and in honor of what they have endured, I will fling myself off this cliff in the hope that my blood will change things"
So he yelled "THIS IS FOR MY PEOPLE", and jumped off the cliff,
The Latino not wanting to be outdone, quickly looked at the other two and followed suit yelling "THIS IS FOR MY PEOPLE" and jumped off the cliff as well.
The black man was touched by this and decided it was his turn, so he yelled "THIS IS FOR MY PEOPLE" and pushed the white man off the cliff!

STOP LAUGHING......STOP IT!

[periodically insane]

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts
Her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?"
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says, "Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf."